Here’s an example situation to help frame this for you: Joey works very long hours at a factor job, and his wife, Cassandra doesn’t feel he is there for her.   Cassandra spends pretty much all of her time meeting their kid’s needs, and Joey is of the view that she doesn’t have time for his needs.   It’s a tough situation, with obvious opportunities for conflict and probably a relationship doomed to fail.   Can it be saved?  Should it?  If you’re not sure, that’s a good thing — because you’ll have a far better idea if it can be saved and if it should be saved by the end of this article!

My first point is one that’s so obvious, people tend to miss it.   The first thing you have to do when assessing a relationship is whether it’s worth saving.   Although, as I always stress, almost any relationship can be saved with hard work, there’s the remaining point that it has to be a mutual process.   What I mean by that is that both parties in the relationship need to decide that they want to make the relationship work.   No mutual cooperation, no rescued relationship.   And, if one of the partners has opted out and isn’t willing to opt back in, there’s not a whole lot that can be done.

Recall that many people end up staying in a relationship out of convenience.   Ditto with marriages — you probably know a couple of high-tension marriages where it’s obvious the couple is together only “because of the kids. ”  Obviously, that’s not enough — saving a relationship can only begin when both parties make a commitment that the relationship is worth saving.

Step #2 is to get aggressive with finding the problem or problems in the relationship.   You need pinpoint accuracy here.   I’ve found that one of the biggest difficulties with this is that people confuse symptoms for problems.   For example, I’ve seen countless couples who are convinced that an affair is a problem that causes break ups.   Yes, an affair can easily cause a breakup and devastation, but it’s not the real problem.   The real problem is always deeper.   “A lack of true intimacy” — ultimately leading to an affair — is the type of pinpoint accuracy, true-source-of-the-issue type of stuff you’re looking for; even though most people would probably say “nope, the affair is the problem. ”  But think about this: what if one doesn’t deal with the lack of intimacy in our hypothetical situation?  Maybe they’ll stop another affair from happening, but they’re usually doomed to having another symptom — say an addiction to porn — pop up and cause more relationship and emotional turmoil.   By dealing with symptoms, you never get to the core issue.   But, when you begin to address core issues instead of symptoms, you can salvage a relationship.

Third, when you have focused on what the true, core problems are, you can start to share you thoughts.   What I mean by this is that you should verbalize your own feelings, as well as listen to your partner’s relationship concerns.   It even helps to have physical contact: hold your partner’s hand when you’re talking about problems in your relationship, as this is a very positive signal that you wish to reconnect even though your emotions are swirling.

Fourth, strive to remember that when your partner talks about things that may be hurtful to you, they’re not doing it to hurt you, they’re doing it to improve the relationship.

Fifth, you should create an action plan to solve the relationship problems.   From there, you have the sixth step: take concrete action towards carrying out that plan.   Some examples may be to plan a date night out every week, and taking turns on coming up with cool new ways to spend the evening together each Thursday (or whatever day you choose).   If a lack of communication is the core problem, commit to spending 20 minutes every night before bed just talking to each other, and then actually do it!

Last but not least, recognize that “relationship rescue” is an ongoing thing.   You may very well take two steps forward only to suddenly find yourself having to take a step back.   Also recognize that there will be laughter but tears as well in going forward.   If you’re quick to apologize and slow to blame, though, your chances of success improve dramatically.

So in summary, ask yourself: is my relationship worth saving?  If it is, take the concrete steps I’ve addressed here, and you have a good start on saving any relationship.