I have been trying to help my 52 year old dear friend work this out for over a year now. I will call her Rose.

Rose and I met through a mutual friend who had interest in her, but he broke it off due to the mother’s eccentric control over Rose, messy housekeeping, and chronic hoarding. Rose lived with her mom.

Overtime, I became aware of the strange family structure when I was finally allowed to enter the home and see for myself. Here is when my jaw dropped over the way this little old lady has held Rose in her grips throughout her daughter’s entire life.

You see, Rose was raised by her divorced mother, along with two older boys. . Rose was 12 when their father divorced their mother. This would be the beginning of a life of abuse at the hands of Rose’s mother. She tells me stories of being forced to accompany her dad on court ordered visits which took place at local pubs and bars. Rose was 12 and fully developed. This undoubtedly led to acts of molestation and subsequent patterns of promiscuity. She did insist that Rose ask her dad to buy her underwear. I thought it odd that she not ask for the money instead. She tells me that much of her life is a blank from the age of 12 – 18, but most of it involved drug abuse, unprotected promiscuity with boys at school, men in the neighborhood, and even friends of her father. She says her mother appeared to know nothing of these behaviors.

By the time Rose reached 18, she was working part time, and provided support for the family, although her 44 year old healthy mother remained home learning about the Bible. She never mentions what role her two older brothers played financially or personally.

From the age of 20 on through her 52nd birthday, Rose supported her mother who still didn’t work, but who was supposedly was seeking a life of devotion to God which she claimed required her full time attention – and which required Rose’s full time employment to support the family. Rose never married, never dated, but remained promiscuous. Onlookers in their little town of in Wisconsin began to question why the mother, in good health would ask this of her daughter, and not her two sons. Why was she not aware of her daughter’s not so secret life of immoral behavior in such a small town? Everyone else knew – why not the mother. When her romance with a brother in the church fell through at the age of 45, her mother felt it was time to move from Wisconsin to Vegas. Rose thought things would change. She would have a life of her own, but it didn’t. When she couldn’t find work, her mother decided it was time to Georgia.

Georgia is where Rose found friends, laughter and possibly love. As she grew stronger, the woman needed another tactic to control Rose. This time, Rose’s brother’s wife became ill and was placed in an institution. Rose’s brother had 3 children to care for. Seeing an opportunity to earn money and destroy all chances for Rose to have a love life. This evil woman adopted all 3 of the children. Their father remarried, leaving Rose to support his kids. Oddly, one of the children a healthy child – the one Rose loved most died mysteriously in her sleep. For 15 more years Rose devoted her life to raising children, and yes, working to support the entire family. When they kids were grown and moved out (none of them were normal), Rose dated briefly, but was not able to maintain a relationship due to her mother’s courtship. At the age of 78 the mother married an illegal. Rose is now caring for her mother and her mother’s 80 year old husband. She looks a mess; she has no life, and only drives them to and from appointments. Her mother’s husband has asked that we help him escape the grips of this passively aggressive little monster of a woman. We’ve convinced Rose to go into therapy and gradually she is sharing the horrors of her life, but fears telling all. Last night another friend and I encouraged her to clean up the house. She was so fearful of displeasing her mother who had gone to a dinner with the husband, that she began panicking. You see, the mother does not allow ANYONE to discard ANYTHING. She hoards everything.

My question: Since Rose is an adult, is there anything that can be done to get her out of that madness they call home. Her meds have been increased but no medicine can remove the chains this woman has on Rose.

Rose wants to leave, but has lived in servitude for an entire lifetime – she does not know what to do. I have a large home and have offered her a place with me – again, she doesn’t know how to do anything other than serve her mother and do what her mother tells her to do. I fear she will take her life if she doesn’t get out of there soon.